It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas...

Yesterday, we finally got a tree and finished Christmas shopping and wrapped presents and put up Christmas lights...and last Thursday and Friday I baked a lot of cookies!!! So, now that I'm feeling better again and we have joined the rest of the world with our version of commercialized Christmas...life is back to almost normal for another week, lol. Except better than normal because my parents and sister are flying in on Wednesday to spend Christmas with us - we are really excited to see them.

So, I survived another round of chemo...this time my neutrophil count was 200...and the doctor must have used the word "nervous" five times in the same sentence (last time I checked, it is not comforting to patients when doctors are "nervous") before she told me that I was going to get Neulasta (the growth factor) again. So, we had to go back for the shot on Tuesday - amazingly I was a lot less achy this time from it than in the past, though. Only four more treatments to go...

I am supposed to have a PET/CT scan this week, but they never called to schedule it, so I have to check tomorrow. Please pray for good results again.

I have been listening to Casting Crowns lately, and some of their lyrics are awesome. I think I have already written about the song "Praise You in the Storm" on here, which has touched my life more than once. Some of their other songs are incredibly moving also. Here are excerpts from some that have spoken to me recently:

from "In Me"

"when I am weak, you make me strong,
when I am blind, you shine your light on me,
cause I'll never get by, living on my own abilities.
how refreshing to know you don't need me,
how amazing to find that you want me,
so i'll stand on your truth and i'll fight with your strength,
until you bring the victory."

Sometimes, I feel like I just can't do it anymore, but the good news is that God can and He is the one that brings the victory.

from "Somewhere in the Middle"

"fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in commons sense,
deep-water faith in the shallow end,
and we are caught in the middle

with eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is,
but will we trade our dreams for His?
or are we caught in the middle?"

I just think this song makes some soul-searching analogies - how many time have I said "God, I'll go anywhere and do anything for you" from the comfort of my own "picket fence" life and then acted shocked and appalled when He actually asked me to go or do. I remember when I first found out that I had to go to another cutter and then it worked out I would be going to MORGENTHAU which meant going underway to faraway places for months at a time - I was upset and I didn't understand how all my perfect plans were not working out the way I was sure God had wanted them to. And God reminded me that back in high school I stood in church with my hands in the air and sang with all my heart, "Here I am send me, until every nation knows, the power of your love, give me a hunger to know, where it is you want me to go, Father I'm praying, Here am I, send me." He said, you asked me to send you. Do you still mean it? I need you to go.

And then, once again when all my carefully constructed plans seemed to be finally falling into place - Ryan and I living together in an awesome place in California, transferring to a job in the District Enforcement office (home every night, work out at lunch, travel just enough to not get too restless, but never more than a week at a time = perfect), exploring California together, weekend trips to Lake Tahoe with friends...BOOM...What? Cancer???? Do I ever get a break?
But I asked God to use me. I asked Him to take my life and transform it. I wanted to be His instrument. And that desire must go beyond "common sense" or my comfort - I want to have a deep water faith that survives in deep water. I want to trade my dreams for His.

Merry Christmas to all our wonderful family and friends!! May the birth of Jesus be real in your hearts this season!!

Still Alive and Kickin...

I know ...it's been a LONG time since I posted - I wonder if anyone is still reading this...anyway, here are some updates....

First the good news. We moved on Saturday and we love living in our new place. We had lots of awesome help and the move went really quick - thanks everybody. I feel really blessed that we are able to live here! And we actually have a guest bedroom now so all you out-of-towners should come visit us in beautiful Pacifica =)

Now the not so good news. We met with the radiation doctor on Monday, and he said I will have to have radiation. And they will wait until after my chemo is done (which I found out is not until the end of February). And it will be every day Monday through Friday for a month!!!!!! That does not sound fun. Now I'm looking at April before this is all over. Blah...

So, I feel like I've had kind of a rough week. Do you ever feel like you have everything under control, and then all of a sudden it's all crashing down on you and you just want it to all be over (just to clarify, I mean my current struggle, not life itself - nobody panic)?? And it takes a lot of effort just to get out of bed in the morning and get through the day. But, I am getting through the day and I know God is still taking care of me.

Tuesday morning, I was reading in Psalms and I was touched by Psalm37. My life verse is Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

But there are some awesome promises in the rest of the Psalm too. Here are some that struck me:

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." v. 5

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him, fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way; over the man who carries out evil desires!" v. 6

"But the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace" v.11

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way, though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand. " v. 23-24

"I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread. He is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing." v. 25-6

"The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord, he is their stronghold in times of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him." v. 39-40