The End of a Chapter

This is my final post. I had a PET/CT scan two weeks ago and it was clear!! Three months after completion of treatment, I am cancer-free!! And life has moved on. I am back to work full-time, Ryan and I spent a weekend backpacking in California and a week in Colorado, we hosted his family at our place for two weeks (having company here is like going on vacation in your own town =), and we are enjoying the summer in Pacifica. My coworkers gave me a surfboard, so now I have no excuse not to learn. We are excited to be helping with the youth group at our church. I am starting a part-time/internet-based graduate program in public health through Johns Hopkins in January. Cancer has become a distant memory that I will never forget.

I have no further updates to write here. If you want to know about my everyday healthy life, call or e-mail me. I plan to print out all my blog entries and your comments and make a scrapbook out of them, so I will never forget what the Lord has done in my life over the past year.

And, of course, my final entry would not be complete without the words to part of a song. This describes how I feel about moments throughout the past year, and the perspective I feel like I've gained from the whole experience:

Sorrow's opened up my eyes
To see what real joy is
Pain has been the catalyst
To my heart's happiness.

This is the good life,
I've lost everything,
I could ever want,
And ever dream of.
This is the good life,
I found everything,
I could ever need,
Here in your arms.

What good would it be
if you had everything
but you wouldn't have
the only thing you need?

(from "Good Life" by Audio Adrenaline)

What Cancer Cannot Do (Author Unknown)
Cancer is so limited.
It cannot cripple love, it cannot alter hope.
It cannot corrode faith, it cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship, it cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul.
It cannot steal eternal life, it cannot conquer the spirit.

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
Psalm 126:3

There is life after cancer treatment!!!

I feel like I am getting more strength and energy back everyday! I've been trying to work out in some form every other day, and take rest days in between. I am so thankful to be alive and to be able to move forward with life. But I also realize I will never be the same. I took two weeks to rest and recover before I will be returning to work full-time on Monday. In this time, I have made several trips to the beaches about 20 minutes south of us, away from all the cars, houses, and people. What amazing beauty and what a great place to reflect on the past year and praise God for all He's done! I don't know how anyone can watch the ocean and deny the existence of a powerful Creator. The wind was blowing so hard off the coast today that I could hardly breathe facing into it (I did not really stay on the beach very long, lol). And I was watching the waves in all of their fury and thinking about the awesome power of God and the amazing fact that He loves us! We can trust Him with our lives.

I am having a hard time putting into words what I am feeling right now. Sometimes I thought this day would never come, and now it did. And the actual day of my last treatment was somewhat anti-climactic, as I was still exhausted and not feeling the best. I called my best friend from high school and told her I thought I was supposed to be excited but I didn't know why I wanted to cry and she said, "It's ok, Christie, you don't have to feel anything" (that's what best friends are for =) But, every day since that I have felt better as the realization that I am completely done and I don't have to go back for more treatment sinks in even deeper. And I am excited to go back to work - if only for the reason that it means that life is truly moving on and I am putting this whole experience behind me in a way. In another way, I don't think I will ever completely leave it behind because it has changed me - my goals and dreams, my outlook on life, my understanding of what's important, and my faith in God. And, for this reason, I am thankful for my cancer.

Thank you for all your loving support and prayers. Please know that whatever you are facing today, you can give it to God. The God who created the wind and the waves to move at His command is powerful enough to handle all your worries!!

Sometimes He calms the storm,
With a whispered "peace be still",
He can settle any sea,
But it doesn't mean He will.
Sometimes He holds us close,
And lets the wind and waves go wild,
Sometime He calms the storm,
And other times He calms His child.

(chorus of song by Scott Krippayne)

Celebrating Life!!!

I am finished with treatment!!! I will write more later, but I wanted to let everybody know!!! I am celebrating life. I bought a new book today, enjoyed a leisurely coffee, did a little shopping, took a nap, and went for a walk and dinner in Half Moon Bay with a girlfriend. Ry gets home from Alabama in about an hour, so we can finally celebrate together!!! Praise God!!!

It was great to have my mom here yesterday when I finished - she took me out for a great lunch and then we had an "Office" marathon - she had to see Jim and Pam get back together before she left, I got her totally addicted =). I love you, mom!!!!

Just Keep Swimmin, just keep swimmin....

My ECHO came back normal - my heart is working perfectly fine and they couldn't even see any fluid anymore. So, I continued treatment today - with only a one day delay. My symptoms are still under control and I will keep taking the Motrin and resting through the remainder of this. I am almost there!!!

A Short Update

I saw the radiation oncologist today. I did not receive treatment - instead he sent me for an echocardiogram, where they looked at my heart with an ultrasound machine. It was pretty cool to watch my heart beating on the monitor. So, the cardiologist will evaluate the results and then they will probably continue treatment tomorrow or the next day. The tech who did the echo said everything looked fine(I think the ridiculous amounts of Motrin they put me on have really been helping with the inflammation), so I am thinking this is all going to be resolved very soon, with only a minor delay in my treatment schedule. Thank you for your prayers! 

Hold Me Jesus

I heard a familiar song today - one that has encouraged me at several points in my life. It has been sung by several different artists, including Rich Mullins, Big Daddy Weave, and Rebecca St. James. If you are reading this, I hope these words will encourage you in whatever you are going through. This is the cry of my heart right now:

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all,
when the mountains look so big,
and my faith just seems so small.

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark,
it's so hot inside my soul,
I swear there must be blisters on my heart.

So, hold me Jesus,
cause I'm shaking like a leaf,
You have been King of my glory,
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come naturally to me,
I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want,
Than to take what you give that I need.
And I've beat my head against so many walls,
Now I'm falling down, falling on my knees...

So, hold me Jesus,
cause I'm shaking like a leaf,
You have been King of my glory,
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn,
And your grace rings out so deep,
It makes my resistance seem so thin.

Hold me Jesus,
cause I'm shaking like a leaf,
You have been King of my glory,
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?

You have been King of my glory,
Come and be my Prince of Peace,
Lord, you are the Prince of Peace,
Come and be my Prince of Peace.

Resting At Home

We are home - we finally left Stanford at 10 pm last night, grabbed some food, got home around midnight and crashed. We went to church really late this morning b/c neither of us thought to set an alarm last night - but it was nice to go to church at all. Now we are home and I am on my way back to bed - I still feel exhausted. Thank you for all of your prayers. I will write more later...

It's Not Over Until It's Over...

So, it's Saturday night and I am typing this from my hospital bed - yea for free wireless internet at Stanford!! I got admitted last night after the results of the CT scan showed a buildup of fluid between my heart and the surrounding tissues (I think it's called pericardial effusion?) and inflammation of the lining of the heart (pericarditis). They started me on 800 mg Motrin and my pain has decreased significantly - so we are waiting to find out if I can go home tonight. This condition is most likely an uncommon side effect of the radiation. It is not immediately dangerous - the only problem would be is if the fluid increased significantly it could restrict the flow of blood to my heart - then it would become an emergency. They could drain the fluid at that point - but it would be much easier if I was already in the hospital, which is why they kept me overnight to monitor me. They did a chest x-ray this afternoon and they are reviewing it tonight to decide if I can go home.

Well, it's a funny thing, I celebrated the end of chemo as if the hard part was all over, and all I had left was to get through a little radiation, which was going to be more of a nuisance than anything b/c of the drive. For some reason that now baffles me, I was convinced that I would have very few side effects during radiation, feel fine, and have lots of time to work on things I wanna do and get ready to go back to normal life and everything (I will give the radiation oncologist some credit for my assumptions - he really downplayed the side effects when he talked to me). This week I have felt extreme fatigue and then this whole chest thing started And now I spending my weekend in the hospital in a cardiac care unit where I am the youngest patient by about forty years (and with the fastest heart rate - how does this happen?), missing the Coast Guard Ball that I just bought a dress for on Thursday, and wondering how I am going to get my paper done for my psychology class (I think I am probably gonna use the cancer card and ask for an extension).

Last time I was in the hospital (at Travis Air Force base), I came back with all kinds of funny and ridiculous stories about the lack of organization and my experiences there. I don't really have any funny stories this time - Stanford is a very well-run, organized, quality hospital from what I can see.

In the midst of all this, God continues to be good. We had a couple of awesome visitors today - thank you if you are reading this! I am also thankful to live in America where I can get this type of treatment, and furthermore, at Stanford, which may quite possibly be the best in the United States, if not the world, for my specific type of lymphoma.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers!!

Hospital's ROCK!!!

I heard someone say once that you spend the most time doing those things you enjoy most.  Well, tell you what - we must really love hospitals!

Christie is about 1/2 through with her radiation treatment, but yesterday she began to have worsening chest pain.  So today I went to her radiation treatment with her, and they decided to admit her to the Emergency Room to run tests.  It looks like she has inflamed lining around the lungs and heart (pluritis & periocarditis sp?).

It's painful, but as long as it doesn't get too irritated she'll be fine.

Right now I'm in the ER with her waiting for them to run a final test.  The doc just told us that one of her blood markers is a little high, so they want to do a CT scan now.  So, it's 5:30 PM now, and she still hasn't eaten since breakfast.  And there's no sign that she'll get her CT any time soon =(  So, we're standing by to stand by to stand by to stand by to ...

Late Night Thoughts....

So, it's almost two-o-clock in the morning and here I am, still up, just messing around researching "possibilities" on the internet. For what? Oh, schools, future jobs, volunteer opportunities, races and triathlons, etc., I get more creative the later it gets. I apparently have no internal clock of my own, b/c I always find myself up really late on nights when Ryan has duty. It is nice to live with him, b/c (among many other reasons =)) his internal clock is well-established, so he helps me realize when it is time to do things like go to bed and wake up. When I lived alone, I would stay up ridiculously late on work nights watching just "one more episode" of the addicting Grey's Anatomy TV series - what else are you going to do on lonely nights in Kodiak, AK? I have since given up that show completely, lol.

So, enough rambling...I guess the point of all that was I am ecstatic about finally coming to the end of my treatments and the opportunity to do all the things I love regularly again! Updates on my treatment: I am currently driving to Stanford Monday-Friday for radiation treatment at 1130 - this will continue through April 2. So far, the side effects of radiation have been minimal and I am feeling much better than I did during chemo. I have even been able to start running and working out again, which feels great! And I am excited because my mom is coming to visit me again in less than two weeks!! It will be nice to have her here while Ryan is at school in Alabama for a week.

Prayer Requests:

- for the completion of radiation, that I will not have too much skin irritation in the later treatments; and that my body will continue to recover from the fatigue caused by both chemo and radiation

- going back to work full-time in less than a month: I am ecstatic and nervous at the same time. Pray for energy, strength, a smooth transition getting back into the swing of things, and a renewed passion for my witness and testimony at work.

- my future dreams and plans: I have lots of them spinning around in my head right now, both short-term and long-term. That I will not get ahead of myself or God or waste time on "distractions", but that God would show me how he wants me to spend my time, each step of the way

-in relation to both of the above: God has placed me in the full-time job I have right now for a reason. that I would be able to acknowledge that and commit fully so I will have a relevant testimony at work, despite my varying and sometimes more compelling interests elsewhere (if that makes sense)

- that God would protect my body from long-term effects of radiation

Thank you for all your faithful support and prayers! Have a blessed weekend!!

Still Smiling...

Yesterday, I had my follow-up appointment from chem0 last week. And then Dr. Advani said, "Well, I will see you in four months." And now the realization that I was DONE with chemo fully hit me. I left the place and could not stop smiling and laughing. It is an incredible feeling!!

Now I am going to the radiation oncologist today(and I think tomorrow) to start planning for this final phase. I should have more information about what that will entail exactly in the next couple of days.

I also have another PETSCAN Friday - please pray that this will be clear again, so I can continue on this path to recovery.

So, Ryan and I both love Olive Garden, and it is actually one of his absolute favorite restaurants, but they are hard to find around here. Yesterday, while we were waiting for the doctor, Ry asked me what I wanted for lunch, and I said, "well, this is strange for me, but I feel like a really good salad." Ry said, "hmm...too bad there's no Olive Garden around here, we could get salad and breadsticks". And my physician's assistant was sitting there working on the computer - she looked over and said, "there's one right down the street"! We were ecstatic - I think she might have been a little weirded out by our excitement over a restaurant, but hey, 1) we are food lovers and 2) we were already ecstatic anyway!!

As we were walking out, I told Ryan that I think I might be celebrating for the rest of my life. Not that I'm gonna eat at Olive Garden everyday, lol, but we have every reason to celebrate in our hearts everyday because Jesus Christ has died for our sins and freed us from all fears in life or death!!! And this has become so much more real to me through this whole experience!!!

And Another One Bites the Dust...

Another cancer cell, that is!! I had my last chemo today...I kinda have a lot of drugs in me right now, and it's getting late(and I've been watching Season 3 of The Office for the past 3 hours), so that is probably why I am being silly. Anyway, today was the last one - I am really happy - I will be even happier in about three days when I feel better again =) God is really good. Here are some random thoughts:

- One of my favorite things to do used to be running in the rain. I found out yesterday that it still is. It is so exhilarating, and for some reason I always feel like I can run farther and faster when it is raining. I really can't wait to feel good enough everyday to get back into running more again.

- I would like to mention that my husband is an amazing chef!! On Valentine's day, he made the best sauteed shrimp I have ever had, and he didn't even use a recipe!! A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and the next thing I know I am eating better than at any of those fancy places we go for our anniversary =)

- The enrichment center is required to remind you that at the end of this experiment you will be baked (garbled) cake...(if you get the joke, then this one was for you...if you don't know, don't ask=)

- And in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight! (movie?)

Just Another Bump in the Road...

So, I went to Stanford today quite excited about the fact that this was my last chemo!!! Turns out, my white blood cell count, specifically my neutrophils (the main infection-fighting cells), were too low to get chemo today (at 280, when normal starts at 1500). so they had to postpone it a week. I got an injection instead, and two to take home with me for tomorrow and Wednesday. Please pray that I will remain infection-free, and that I will actually be able to get chemo next Monday!!

I was pretty bummed about the delay, but I am trusting that God is faithful and that He is in control of all our days. Thank you for all your prayers! I will write more later, but it is late now and I am off to bed.

Our God is Mighy to Save

Eleven Down, One to Go!!! I just got back from my eleventh chemotherapy infusion a little while ago. I am laying in bed at home typing this - yea for advances such as wireless internet!! I got a bed in the treatment area this time too (as opposed to a reclining chair) so I had an awesome nap once the Benadryl and anti-nausea meds knocked me out - usually I am so tired but it's really hard to get comfortable in that stupid chair. Anyway, I only have one more chemo treatment left!! I can't believe it's almost over - I am ecstatic just thinking about what it's gonna be like to walk away from the last one. Then I will have a couple of weeks break before the radiation starts. I have no idea what radiation will be like, but at least it is the home stretch. Then I will have a PET/CT scan every 3 months for two years to make sure it does not come back. If it does, it will most likely be in the first two years. After five years, the chances of relapse are extremely small for this type of cancer, although I will be monitored to some extent for the rest of my life due to possible late effects of radiation.

"Savior, He can move the mountains,
Our God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation,
Our Lord has conquered the grave,
He has conquered the grave. "
(from the song Mighty to Save)

"Behold, He comes,
Riding on the clouds,
Shining like the sun,
At the trumpet's call.
Lift your voice,
It's the year of Jubilee,
And out of Zion's hill,
Salvation comes."
(from the song Days of Elijah)


When I was 23 years old and healthy, I rarely gave much thought to my own mortality. I believed in what Jesus had done for me on the cross and was excited that I could go to heaven to be with him someday, but "someday" seemed a long way off. There was so much else to worry about right now. But then I was suddenly faced with the very real possibility of death. And the words to these songs and the reality of what Christ did for us on the cross has become so much more real to me. We have nothing to fear in this world - Jesus has conquered the grave! So, no matter what happens to us, we have every reason to celebrate!!!!

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4

Survived Tahoe

We're back from Tahoe, minus any (serious) injuries! A few highlights from the trip:

• XC Skiing at Claire Tappan lodge & Northstar (w/great video of Christie spilling... but couldn't downsize it to post here)
• Reading "God's Missiles Over Cuba" (by Tom White) & "The Pastor's Wife" (by Sabina Wurmbrand - Brie gave us those books for Christmas)
• A new board game
• Hot chocolate & hot tubs
• Lake Tahoe Red (great local beer)
• Finding a local church on Sunday
• Returning to Tahoe without Christie's "monster" (last time we were there was our 2 week Tahoe Rim Trail hike in July) =)

Jude 20-21: "But you, beloved, build yourselves up in your most holy faith; pray in the Holy Spirit; keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life."

Tahoe Here We Come...

So, I have almost survived another week of chemo. I am still not feeling that great...but today was better than yesterday. I mostly just rested all of today and yesterday, reading a little bit when I was awake, and enjoying the strange warmth and sunshine that has fallen upon the Bay Area this week from the comfort of our new sunroom. I think, after four months, I have finally learned how to "just rest" when I feel sick after chemo, and let my body heal. Ryan is on duty tonight, but our friend Ali came over to eat dinner with me and we grilled chicken(this was the first time I have ever actually grilled anything - believe it or not!!) and watched her crazy puppy run around my backyard.

Tomorrow, we are supposed to leave for our Tahoe trip. I am really excited!! Please pray that I will continue to feel better and we will have a safe, fun weekend. It will be so great to get away together!! And it will be my first snow experience of the winter! (Ryan's ahead of me - he hiked Mt. Whitney back in November - overachiever!!)

Ryan also had a cool rescue yesterday - you can check out the video at www.cgvi.uscg.mil. Click on video, then "Coast Guard Rescues Two Men and a Dog" (http://cgvi.uscg.mil/media/main.php?g2_itemId=449509). Go Ryan!!!!

May God bless you immensely in the New Year!!!

All is Well

So, Ryan's fever is gone and he is feeling better. His stomach still feels a little sick, but he has been going to work and stuff. He flew yesterday and he is on duty today. And I have not gotten sick!! - thank you for all the prayers. Last night, we went for a run along the beach and then went out to dinner at one of our favorite local restaurants. It was nice. Today, I have to finish writing my input for my OER (Officer Evaluation Report). I'm having a hard time figuring out what I've done the past six months BESIDES fight cancer, lol, and I'm not even allowed to mention that. And Ryan is at work right now working on the same thing, when he's not flying.

It seems like this week flew by - I can't believe I have chemo again on Monday. The good news is I am down to 3 remaining treatments (if everything looks good on my next PET/CT scan)!! And more good news - Ryan and I are going to Lake Tahoe next weekend to celebrate our anniversary!!! We are going to try out our new snowshoes and probably some cross-country skiing too. I am excited!

I hope you all are having a wonderful New Year! God is truly and always good!

PLEASE PRAY!!!!!

Ryan is sick!!!! He has common virus or flu symptoms, including fever. He really does not sound like he feels good. I have been in San Diego since Sunday night for work and will return home tomorrow night, so I have most likely not been exposed to whatever he caught. He will go to to the doctor tom morning to see what they can do, and if he is still contagious tomorrow night I will probably not be able to stay with him, as I did not have the growth factor time so my white blood cell counts are potentially very low.

Please pray for his speedy recovery and my continued protection.

New Year Resolutions!

It's funny how big events seem normal over time. I mean, 4 months ago, Christie received a cancer diagnosis. And now, how often we forget she still has it.

She has chemo every other week, and on her off-weeks we completely forget about the cancer. Such a blessing to be able to forget about the cancer on those off weeks.

Of course, the flip-side to that is the jolt of remembrance every other Monday when we drive back to Stanford and sit with everyone else who has cancer and receive scans, treatments, and updates.

Yet, we do not want to completely forget. The clarity and grace that Jesus has brought to us through this are just too important.

Christie's PET/CT scan came back a few days ago - still normal, showing no signs of cancer. There is still scar tissue, but we won't know how fast it is receding until we bring the old scan in to compare. It looks like radiation will begin sometime in February, depending on treatment. Christie's white blood counts have been fluctuating since the doc only puts her on Neulasta when her counts are really low (as in, below 200!). So - please pray that I do not get sick. If I do, I'll have to isolate myself from Christie (not sure if that means sleeping on the couch, in the doghouse, or somewhere else =) since her counts are so low.

PS: just kidding, there are no New Year's Resolutions =)