Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed. I think that's a good description of how we are feeling right now.

Overwhelmed by information. The forum this weekend was awesome and very helpful, especially the opportunities to talk to some of the experts in Hodgkin's lymphoma, but three days of learning about cancer is ALOT. I think it's time for us to take a break and think about something else for a few days (or at least try).

Overwhelmed by questions for my doctor on Tuesday. We already had a list of about 10 things we were wondering about(ranging from "Can I travel at Thanksgiving?" to "Is it okay to drink the acai juice someone gave us?") but after this weekend I think that list has doubled.

Overwhelmed by frustrating factors. As the initial shock of finding out about the disease wears off, the reality of living with it sets in. I'm 24 years old and I kinda feel like I'm living in a body that is 60 years older (for now, due to chemo, thankfully the effects are reversible). I can't just go for a run like I did before, I get tired way sooner and easier, and I have to constantly think about minimizing my risk of infection and any small infection that used to be normal and go away on its own has now become a quasi-emergency. Our normal, care-free young adult life has disappeared for the time being.

Overwhelmed by my overactive mind. Before, when I was living my life, I could sleep at night and although I was always making plans and setting goals for myself, I was actively working at them towards them during the day so it all balanced out. Now, it's like my body and ability can't keep up with my mind and my plans for myself, so I lay awake at night trying to figure out how I am going to work and what I wanna do with my life right now, etc. etc. I think cancer might be God's way of telling me to SLOW DOWN for awhile, but I'm having a hard time with that.

And yet, overwhelmed by God's goodness and blessings in the midst of suffering. Even this weekend, we had an unexpected gift when the director of patient programs for the Lymphoma Research Foundation offered us an extra room they had at the nice hotel the forum was at for free as a thank-you for our participation in a video they were making for young adults. We had a very relaxing Saturday night away from everything as a result.I am so thankful to have Ryan in my life, and for what God will do in our relationship as we walk through this together. I am thankful for all the awesome family and friends that God has put in my life and for the way that things like this make us truly appreciate what really matters. And I am thankful that God has a plan in all of this, and I look forward to seeing what He can do with this trial in my life.

I have some specific prayer requests again tonight:

- We learned a lot at the conference this weekend about radiation for Hodgkin's disease and the very serious risks of late effects associated with it. Please pray for our decisions about this in a few months, and for the doctors that will be advising us, as this is something that weighs heavy on our minds right now - pray that God will guide us to the right information to help us make the best decision.
- I'm going back to work tomorrow - my plan is to work half-days on non-chemo weeks (when I don't have appointments, and work from home the rest of the time (they gave me a remote access token for my computer here).

This is pretty cool. As I was typing this, Ryan came in to read Psalm 33 with me. This is part of it that spoke to exactly what I was writing and thinking about:

"The best-equipped army cannot save a king,
nor is great strength enough to save a warrior.
Don't count on your warhorse (chemo, radiation, etc.)
to give you victory - for all its strength, it cannot save you.
But the Lord watches over those who fear him,
those who rely on his unfailing love.
He rescues them from death, and keeps them alive
in times of famine.
We depend on the Lord alone to save us,
Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
for we are trusting in His holy name,
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,
for our hope is in you alone."
Psalm 33:16-22